Some Reflections

For the two months before James was born I often wondered what life was going to be like when I wasn't pregnant anymore and didn't have a baby to care for. How would I feel emotionally? physically? spiritually? I never really asked the question "why?" because what good does it do when you know the Lord has a plan and that sometimes we hurt and cry, but in the end we are blessed. I guess that is what I really want to talk about in this post. The fact that never once through out this whole experience did I ever doubt this was how things were supposed to be. It's hard, but the Lord never left my side and I guess that is why I am happy. I think that some people look at me and wonder why I'm happy after all that we went through, but they don't understand that I know that this was the plan for our family. I guess it does sound a little wierd, but I don't think I would trade this experience for anything.

No foot is too small to leave an imprint on the world.


Just like any other trial, it is afterwards that we see the blessings that were bestowed upon us, so I would like to share some with you. Some are small and silly, while others meant a great deal. My doctor decided to do the ultrasound for the gender four weeks early- we were able to find out about the problem a few days before Thanksgiving instead of a few days before Christmas. This gave us a good amount of time to prepare and somewhat understand what we were going through. My parents moved to Sandy from Wyoming. They were close enough to lend the much needed support that we needed. My mother told me that even before she knew I was pregnant she felt prompted to start putting our family on the prayer roll at the temple. I have a faithful husband that was able to give me blessings that sustained me through physical and emotional stress. My doctor is LDS and was able to understand my viewpoint and gave us a wonderful option when I had no hope of one. Volunteer groups helped us to celebrate instead of grieve. I have never felt such an outpouring of love than I felt that first week afterwards. My testimony has grown tenfold it seems. I have witnessed the miracle of life, but also the peace of death. The Lord has his hand in both and He never left my side.
I still have times when I feel that someone is missing, but then I remember where he is and I am grateful. Because of James I have found a strength in myself that I never knew I had. I have found greater love, faith, testimony, and many more things because of him. I was very blessed to be able to be his mother.

I don't want to sound too preachy, but these things have been on my mind and since tomorrow is Fast Sunday I wanted to write them down ( I cry way too easily to ever say these things out loud) I would also like to leave a quote that hit a note in my heart the other day. I have been reading a book called "21 Days Closer to Christ" and it was remarked that "To know the voice of the Shepherd is a privilege and a blessing. Setting aside time to listen to the voice is our responsibility." I am so glad that instead of turning away, I turned towards. No matter how hard this time has been I know it would have been so much harder if I had turned the other way. So tomorrow in church just remember to listen.