Holding Heaven

James Cyril Thomas

January 15, 2010

13 oz., 8.5 in.

James is such a beautiful little (very) boy. Things at the hospital went very well, as good as they could have gone. The labor process was a little long due to the fact that they had to start me from ground zero, but in the end it all worked out. The spirit has manifested to me multiple times that we made the right decision, but it was still hard. Our little baby was born stillborn and after the labor we realized that even if we had done a c-section the outcome would have been the same. I know that some people might want explicit details, but the experience was very special for us and we would like to keep it that way. We would ask you to respect our wishes and thank you for doing so.

There are volunteer groups that come to hospitals and help families handle births such as this (and many others). One such group is called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. It is a group of professional photographers that volunteer their time so families can have special pictures like this to always remember their child. I can't tell you how much these pictures mean to me. The photographer did a beautiful job and she helped me to see that this doesn't have to be a sad and tragic event; that James is special and we can celebrate him. The picture above is my favorite. Those are our wedding rings and it shows just how tiny he was, but it also helps me to remember that families are forever and he will always be our little boy.

This is my second favorite picture. I think it is so tender to see Jason holding his son. He was a great strength to me during the whole process and I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone else. I love you so much Jason!

To tell you the truth I was really amazed at how well I held it together during the hospital stay. I did have to keep reminding myself to "Hold on a little longer. You can do it", but I also kept thinking that I didn't want all the pictures to have me crying in them. We are grateful that we got this opportunity to be his parents and I wanted the pictures to show that.

He was so perfect except for his tiny organs. It is awe inspiring that at 24 weeks he had perfect teeny tiny fingernails, and beautiful ears, eyelashes, and perfects little toes, and the most precious little nose (Mom's and Jefferson's). His fingers were so long already, he would have been tall like his dad.

The other group that helped us was a group made up of parents who have lost children themselves. One couple came and cleaned the baby and dressed him, gave him a hat and booties, and a blanket. They also created a memory box with various things in it including ink prints of his hands and feet. They also did plaster prints of his hands and feet. It was so great to have those details taken care of for us by people who understand the highly emotional situation you're in. They also gave him that tiny teddy bear.

I have never seen a hat and booties so small (and hand made), but they were perfect and very precious.

Our little family.
The graveside service was beautiful. My dad said a few words and Jason dedicated the grave. Jason did a perfect job and said just what I was feeling in my heart. This whole experience has been very difficult, but I found a strength that I didn't know I had. I have a new testimony, not just of the Plan of Salvation, but of the Atonement and the gospel as a whole. Every one has been so kind and loving. We have been well fed and taken care of. The nurses and my doctor were so kind and I feel like they are family now. I have received so many hugs and they truly do help. The hardest part was having to deal with people that did not respect our wishes concerning the viewing of the baby and kept pushing the issue until their own curiosity was satisfied. I don't think it matters if you don't understand why we made certain decisions, and if you only came to see what the baby really looked like, you came for the wrong reasons. You should just respect the wishes of parents that have just had to bury a child. It was extremely hurtful and that is all I'm going to say about it and move on. A lot of pictures we have kept private and we will keep them that way, but we do want to show some to celebrate this beautiful and special child. It was a learning, growing, and painful experience, but we are better because of it. I want to thank all of our friends and family who have expressed so much care and concern for us and have gone out of their way to help us heal. Most days are pretty good, but some aren't and I expect it will be like that for a while, but I know where he is and who is taking care of him and that makes me smile. For his short time here on earth he was so so loved and I look forward to the day that we can see him again.

That's the Plan Stan!!

So....the time has come. On the last visit to my doctor's we determined that things are not looking good and since we are coming up on the age of viability for the baby, we should induce for the safest and most hopeful outcome for baby and me. The baby is really not all that big, but you have to understand that with all the organs on the outside the added mass will make delivering the baby difficult. On Thursday evening I am going to the hospital and they will give me some medication to help make the cervix softer to prepare for the labor inducing medication the next day. We are hopeful that things will go smoothly and as they should. Our biggest worries are the positioning of the baby (currently stomach and organs down) and the baby being born whole. There is a large chance that things will get left behind and that we will finish the delivery with some minor surgery to make sure everything has been removed. I am also worried that it will take a long time, something that would make this even harder. Since we have had time to sort of come to terms with this situation I have been able to read and pray a lot and have come to the point where I know that I will mourn, but that life is a blessing and it must go on. I have a fabulous husband, the greatest little boy, the best family anyone could hope for, and the gospel to understand that we will see our baby again. I don't know how people get through such difficult situations without it. With that said, I would ask for your prayers that everything goes well, because, let's face it, I am still scared. We will probably have to do some genetic testing to determine the gender, but we will have a graveside service where our sweet baby can be put to rest and be close to family. I think that will be the most difficult part, but I know it's not the end. This months Ensign seemed to be written just for me. I am positive that most all the articles touched on my thoughts and feelings as of late and helped me to gain peace. My mantra for this month is from the First Presidency's Message: "Hold on a little longer. You can do it." I am thankful for all the love, support, and prayers that we have received and am so glad to have friends and family so wonderful. Count your blessings, hug your spouse and children, hug your parents and be thankful for the gospel and the hand of the Lord in our lives. I love you guys!!